It’s 6:10 in the morning.. Saturday. I haven’t slept all night and I’m still not tired. Was joking around in the usual hub earlier and decided to blog. Lately it’s been ‘confession time’ for me on the internet. Something I fear.. I am usually the last person to come off all serious and pour my heart out to anyone (although they think they know everything). But the best part about it is because the person on the other side of the screen doesn’t know you, it doesn’t matter. You can just let it all out. It’s irritating. Life’s somewhat a mess, I miss being a child.. I miss home, I miss being around people I love, I miss not having to think and worry about anything. Papers, deadlines, exams, career.. life! I miss so many things it’s crazy. I miss playing hide-and-seek with my friends back in KG, I miss going swimming every Saturday with Kaydee and Angu during summers, I miss getting scolded by Mama for not concentrating on my studies, I miss inviting Tseten to stay over, I miss Daddy.. and his sense of humor and how we could understand each other without exchanging words. I miss fighting with acha, well I still do but it’s not the same now. I miss Pokhara.. where I grew up, where I learnt everything but more than that, I miss the people and the memories I have had there. Happy or sad, I miss them all. I miss joking around with my goofy friends and how they genuinely cared.. their innocence, how they’re still not corrupted with the ways of the world. I miss the food.. the smell.. everything. I miss getting teased around for being the ’smart one’ and I miss acting all nice. I miss Dickyi.. I miss having genuine friends. I miss you Yonten and it pisses me off to think I can’t see you ever anymore. I thought I’d always think of you after the accident but I’m sorry there’s so much going on already in my own life, it hasn’t been the case. I’m really sorry.. and I really wish I could have done something. I still miss you and I know I always will. Aaah.. I miss being in TCV. I never thought I would miss it but I do. I miss every moment of it.. well almost. I miss making fun of Seldon and still worrying about her. So many memories in a year.. It aches to think some of my favorite people are going through tough times, I wish I could do something, I wish I could fix all of their problems but I have mine to fix first. I wish they had their folks supporting them just like I had, I wish they never had to go through what they did. I miss listening to their stories and their encouraging words. Hah I miss having crushes and being crushed on.. man that tingly feeling. I miss having that one special friend to share it all with but I’ve moved on like the rest. I miss talking to them about things and knowing there’s always someone who will listen whatever crap I’ll say. I just miss not having to care about little things. Ewww I’m getting nostalgic and I know I should get over it. I know I have a long way to go but I can’t help it. I wish there was a time machine.. I’d go back in time and fix all the problems and be happy and not regret and miss things of the past. There’s this part of me which feels empty.. and I don’t really know why.
Found this beautiful poem on the internet. The waterworks are at full swing here by the way. Man I’ve become such a crybaby.. I can’t believe it’s really me.
Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl
It feeds on loneliness and creates a void
Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture
A teenager is stricken and destroyed
There is no sound of laughter or happiness here
The little one has thrown in the towel today
Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul
It is futile to hope and dream and pray
Emptiness builds a home in this woman
In this girl, this child where hollows have bred
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes
And eats away at every connecting thread
Confusion feeds like a savage inside her,
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains
Destined to walk through life less ordinary
Alone, exiled, different and disdained.
awwww, I hear you but what can I say? Live life to the fullest so that you don’t have to miss the thing of past. But that`s life isn’t it? It teaches you lots, it makes you who you are and I don’t think you have turned out bad…so smile!